This past week has been rough. For those of you who didn't get a chance to read Spiritual Feasting #9 feel free to read it and you'll understand. Just grab a box of tissues before you do if you're a crier.
I went to work two days last week:
Monday we had off to observe New Years.
Tuesday I went to work. It was so busy (I'm a customer service representative for Allegiance Benefit Plan Management Inc) and the phone were ringing off the hook. I couldn't think straight and was rather stressed.
Wednesday was the funeral. It was a gorgeous day. Sunny. Almost 50 degrees. It was perfect weather to make the reason for the gather not so dismal, but still... it was rough.
Thursday I went to work and I didn't feel at all like myself. I really had no brain at this point. I was trying so hard to suppress all that had been going on that I couldn't think straight. I couldn't remember the simplest things. Like when my alarm went off that morning, I didn't know what to do with it. I couldn't remember how to turn off my alarm. Part of if may have been utter exhaustion from not getting enough sleep over the last few days, but still... I didn't like that I couldn't access all of brain and it was rather frustrating. So....
Friday I stayed home. I set my alarm to get up around 8 so that I could get some cleaning done around the house and maybe some crafting and work out for the first time that whole week. My alarm went off and then some how didn't go off again. I didn't wake up until 9. I guess I did need that sleep. I got up and took the day slow. I went over to my mom's to work out and ended up talking with her for about an hour before I actually worked out. I got all the cleaning done that I wanted to and got something ready for a crafting project, but it was really nice to not have to use my brain much. Then around 11pm Marvin looked at the clock and it hit home... That a week ago right then, well... yeah. I cried. He shook his head and said "I just want this week to be over."
Saturday I didn't budge until 10:45. Granted we didn't really get into bed until mid-night. But that is still almost 11 hours of sleep.
Today I'm feeling better. Marvin is doing a bit better. As long as he's not thinking about it or talking to anyone about it and is distracted he's okay. Today I'm ready for some spiritual strength. In fact, I think it's time that we go to the Temple!
I have wondered all week why this has affected me so much harder then it has Marvin. Or at least why it appears that it affects me harder. I think it has a lot to do with how men and women react and respond emotionally and how our brains work. Women are emotional, we think about a million things all at once and we get overwhelmed quickly. Men get angry, and they can compartmentalize for the most part and can repress all their emotions when they don't need them to be present. And I have one more thing that is against me. I don't generally go around advertising this, but I have an anxiety disorder. I've had it since I was really little and it got worse as I got older. About 6 years ago when we moved to Montana, to a slower pace, to a smaller town, I was able to learn how to control it and haven't had issues since. But, I felt all week the way I do post panic attack. My brain skipped a step and just shut me down instead of having me go through a horrify (to me anyway) experience of a panic attack. Being so vulnerable has been rough. I haven't like it one bit. And in my job, you can't be vulnerable. It just doesn't work.
I bet you're wondering how this all ties into being a 'spiritual feast'? I'll get there I promise. Part of why I'm writing this is to help me grieve. To help me recover and express my feelings. I have a journal. In there I'm working on being more detailed. I just can't seem to get myself to sit down at all let alone long enough to write about the whole experience and at least here, I have bits and pieces that are already written down.
Out of this bittersweet experience came our Family Motto for 2012.
On Pinterest I found that several people that I follow were coming up with Family Mottos or choosing scriptures or phrases or words that they wanted to incorporate into their New Year. I had been thinking about it before all of this happened and then I thought that it would be a great idea considering all that we've been going through. The night that Marvin's dad passed away, his mom said that he would want us to live with no regrets and keep going forward. So, out of that, our Family Motto was born....
This is where the 'spiritual feasting' ties in. This quote hangs on our wall right as you walk in the door. Now it doesn't look exactly like that because I just designed that in photoshop, but I really want to print out and hang it as is...
Thanks for letting me share all of this with you all. I hope that our family motto will help to inspire you to "Keep Moving Forward with Faith and no regrets" as the New Year continues.