Jun 10, 2012

{Spiritual Feasting #31} In the Lords Time

Good Morning!!!

It is cloudy and rainy out today, but in my heart I'm full of sun shine!!! :)

This Spiritual Feasting is personal, like most others, and close to my heart. 
I dedicate this post to all mothers, soon-to-be mothers, or those who are struggling right now and understand the hardship of not being able to get pregnant as quickly as they had intended. 

It took us 9 months to get pregnant. 

To me, those were the hardest, most emotional, and most self-destructive 9 months of my life. 
For others... 9 months is nothing because they have tried for 1, 2 or 5+ years to get pregnant.
There is nothing more heart breaking than trying and trying month after month and getting the 'not pregnant' result on the at home pregnancy test. I cried more times then I care to admit, but do you know what it was that got me through?


All of you out there who have shared your own struggles with getting pregnant. 
I read blog after blog and talked to a few other friends and my sister-in-law and you all helped me get through a very rocky time. 

For those of you who haven't had to try so hard, we envy you, but we are happy for you! 
Genuinely happy!
Even though we hurt, we couldn't be more happy for the little spirits that you are blessed with.

About 6 months or so into our marriage I felt like I was ready to have kids. We were just about finished with school and I didn't have any work plans yet and I thought it would be perfect! I wanted and still want to be the stay at home mom and take care of the house, the kids and have dinner ready when The Man comes home from work. It's always been my dream.
 But that desire to have children would come and go and whenever I had the desire, I would talk to Marvin about it. He would ask why I wanted to have kids, I'd explain my reasons and desires at the time and then we would move on. It never really stuck. That happened off and on for about 2 1/2 years with the desires growing stronger each and ever time. 
Then around New Years 2011 we were cuddled over the vent in our room trying to get warm and talked about what goals that we had for that year.
I told Marvin that I wanted to have a baby. 
His response was "have or get pregnant?" I said "have would be nice!"
I was on some medications at that time and I had to work on getting myself off those medications. I had done well up to that point weening myself off, but now I had to try even harder. I'm a massive creature of habit and if something changes from my habits well, everything can go wrong. So together we worked to get off those meds and in June 2011 I was off birth control and off all other medications. 
Here, started our journey.

The first couple of months weren't bad. I had been on birth control since 2006 for some medical issues and had been warned that it could happen right away or it could take some time. 
I was hoping right away. I am NOT a patient person. 
Well, obviously that didn't happen. 
About 4 months into it, things started getting really rough. 
I had a lot of the 'signs/symptoms' of being pregnant like sore breast and nausea.
I was, in my mind, adjusting to not being on birth control, but it took a good 4-6 months before the nausea and tenders breasts went away. It was awful to go through that much sickness as if I was pregnant and not be. I think that's also part of the reason that I had such a hard time.
Every month when I would test, I would sob. 
And I mean SOB!!!
I had the best husband though. 
He would hold me and comfort me and tell me we would get there.
All in the Lords Time. 
I really started to hate that phrase after a while.
But month after month we kept going. 

The end of 2011 and beginning of 2012 brought a lot of heartache. 
With the passing of my father-in-law, we kind of changed gears for a month and took a break so to speak. A few days before his passing I had a very strong desire to tell him that we were trying. 
I wanted him to know so desperately. But at that point, Marvin said not to because we all thought that he was going to come out of it. That this time was like all the other times. 
I still cry to this day when I think about it. 
We were there the night he passed... 30 minutes after we left... He was gone. 
My heart broke. I cried. Marvin's response was, "Now he knows."
He said that over and over as I cried. "Now he knows"

A little back ground...
On our anniversary in 2011, we went down to Utah to go to the Draper Temple. We made a goal to try and make it back there every year on our anniversary, and while we were down there we had a chance to visit with my Grandpa.
He asked us when we were going to have kids. We told him not now. We were trying to save a little money to get out of the trailer that we live in so that we could get into a better and a warmer environment for a baby and well, we were still having fun being together. Just us. 
He said some very wise words...
"When you guys are ready to start having kids, let those you love and who love you know so that they can be there to support you. When you make the commitment to Heavenly Father and let your family know, everything will fall into place."

Towards the end of January Marvin had said that Grandpa's advice had been running through his head lately, and he said that if I wanted to, we could tell my parents that we were trying. We waited until that cycle was over so that we would know for sure what our next step was. 

Well, in February, we told my parents that we were trying. That we had been trying for 9 months. That we had made an appointment with the doctor to figure out what our next step was and to go from there. 
You could tell that their hearts broke when we told them that. 
But they were supportive.

On February 28th, I had my doctors appointment. 
1-My hair wasn't pin straight anymore. 
It was wavey-ish in parts and both my cow-licks were acting weird.
We had been using an at home ovulation kit. I wasn't ovulating at the 'right time' of the month. 
(whatever that means, cause we're all different)
The doctor said to start doing basal body temperature testing for the next three months to find out when I really ovulate and then we'd go from there. I was frustrated but we had a plan. 
2-I started to get really sick to my stomach. And this was worse sick than when I went off birth control to begin with. I woke up so sick on March 8 that I gave in.
3-I hadn't started yet and needed to know if this was digestive and if was having issues again or not.
March 8th had a positive test reading!!
I was pregnant!!!!!!!

Those 9 months brought us closer to each other brought me closer to my Heavenly Father. 
I would pray so hard at night. 
I would cry through my prayers and I begged to let me prove to Him that I could be a really good mother. I would feel peace often and I made it through.
It really was All in the Lords Time. 

The I understand that, feel that it's true, and believe it with all my heart. Why?
I can't imagine going through this any younger than I am.
Marvin and I have had lots of fun times together and we have a very solid and supportive relationship.
My sister is due 2 weeks before me! :)

My sister and I have never been that close. 
We have had our differences and haven't gotten along well unless the whole family is together.
We are very different.
But, for the first time in a long time, I feel like my older sister is there for me.
She called me when she was 12-13 weeks to tell me. 
She knew that we had been trying and she felt horrible that they were pregnant, on accident. 
She didn't want to hurt me because she had struggled getting pregnant with her first.
She understood. 
She called me to tell me and when I told her I was 10 weeks at the time, she burst out in joy and relief. 
She told me that she had had a dream that I told her when she told me she was pregnant. 
The rest of that phone call, she told me where to get good clothes and where to get this and that.
Where to sign up to get good deals and discounts. 
She was there for me. Sharing her experience like big sisters do.
I feel that the Lord help us get here. 
To help me and my sister mend our ways and be there for each other.
All in the Lords Time.

I'm full of sunshine today, because I woke up to flutters in my belly.
My baby was awake and ready for a day of spiritual feasting.

I'm so excited, yet scared, to start this new journey.
Remember, that it's not always easy.
Remember that we go through the trials we do to make us stronger.
If I have learned anything over the last 9 months, it's empathy and sympathy for those who struggle with infertility. It's real and so are the emotions involved. 
And always Remember....

~It's All In The Lords Time~