Apr 16, 2013

{Spiritual Feasting}

I know this is a little late.
I’m working on getting better… I promise!
I’m going to be honest here. I feel like I can be honest with you guys and not be judge for it.
I’m really struggling today.
I’m a working momma and it’s killing me.
All my life I have only ever wanted to be a stay at home mom. My husband knows that and we talk about it often.
Today is a harder day than most.
We have a plan though which is good!!!!
We just have to pay off some of our debt and then I can stay home.
Right now the projected date would be the end of August and that’s only if something drastic doesn’t happen between now and then. But we all know what happens when we make plans right? Heavenly Father always seems to have something else in mind. Right now, I’m hoping that our goals are relatively similar and that nothing too drastic will come in the way.
Over the weekend we had our Stake Women’s Conference.
(That is when all the Women over the age of 18 in our area meet together for a day of Spiritual Feasting and Sisterhood.)
I didn’t get the go to the whole thing. In fact I only went to one class because we had a lot that we needed to get on Saturday that can’t be done during the week since both of us work.
The class that I went to was a short discussion about finding balance between your kids and your husband and ironically my parents were teaching the glass. They had called me and asked me what I remember that we did together as a family to create that balance and I told them about a few things that I remembered… But I also told them about a few things that I wish I had known before we had our sweet angel!
I wish I had known that my expectations were too high!
I had this idea of everything I wanted to get done on maternity leave and when I would talk about it, people would only laugh. No advise was given or anything. It was ‘you just wait and see’ kind of thing. Now, when expecting mothers ask me what it’s like, I’m honest. I don’t just laugh. I let them know the truth and encourage them. I let them know I’m here to help.

I wish I had known that the whole ‘Molly Mormon’ persona was incredibly fake and in no way real.
We are not perfect women (though we like to think we are) and there is no way that we can clean the house, have the laundry done and dinner ready all on time and be perfectly sane and happy. In the short 3 months I has home on maternity leave I was lucky to even shower some days and lucky to even want to make dinner. And now, for the few hours I have with my son in evening, I spend that time with him on the floor and our house is a mess!

I wish I had known that my time with my husband would be more precious than before and very limited.
Again, I had this expectation that my sweet baby would go to bed early and we’d have an hour or two together at night to spend time together and talk or even have at least one night a week where we could cook together like we used to. But we’re lucky to get maybe 5 minutes to stare into each other’s faces as I’m falling asleep or 5 minutes to cuddle and talk because we need to discuss something. Most nights I’m crawling into bed around 9-930 regardless of whether Royce is asleep or not because I have to get up at 445. Marvin is the best husband ever and I appreciate him so much. He will stay up with Royce until he falls asleep AND he gets up with him in the middle of the night. Most nights Marvin will sit in bed and read the news on the iPad as I fall asleep since he’s not ready for bed yet so that we’re at least in bed together and I can snuggle him as I fall asleep. But other nights, I unfortunately have to go to bed alone which makes for rough nights for me because I generally have nightmares or wake up feeling all out of whack. I miss those nights where we’d stay up late talking.

I wish I had known that not every baby is the same and some natural tendencies are NOT natural for all.
Everyone I talked to buttered up the idea of nursing and how precious that bonding time is and that I would love the experience. Well, I never got to nurse Royce. He never latched on and pumping was the most painful thing in the world. I didn’t even have colostrum for him until a few days AFTER we got home from the hospital. Four or five days after Royce was born, I had a serve emotional and mention break down because I felt like I failed as a mother. I wasn’t producing any milk and my son didn’t know how to latch and I felt like I was in more pain then labor pain (which is pretty bad). I was also severely sleep deprived as the lactation consultant wanted us up every two hours to simulate breast feeding with a syringe and it was a two person job. Again, my wonderful husband stepped in and told me that night that he was taking Royce all night and was giving him a bottle. This wasn’t worth the struggle I was going through. Royce has been a bottle fed baby since 4-5 days old and formula fed since birth with whatever I could supplement in with breast milk until I ran out of milk around 6 weeks. My baby is perfectly healthy and has gained weight just fine on formula. After the fact, some women but mostly their husbands, would let me know I wasn’t alone. It was nice to hear even if it was after the fact.

And last but not least,

I wish I had known motherhood is not easy. That you will never be the perfect mother but striving is enough.
Like I said today is a rough day for me. In my parents’ class, they said the best thing you can do is choose the better option.
Examples: You’re child is sick and you have a test to study for… be with your child, they need their mother.
The house is a mess… spend time with your little one, those moments will pass quickly and the house will never be perfectly clean.
There is laundry to fold and you’re 2 weeks behind… spend time with your little one better yet, throw then in the laundry pile and make a game of it.
I am trying my best to choose the better option every day. But my messy house and piled up laundry gets to me and sometimes, I have to step aside and let my husband help balance me out. Every evening when I get home from work, I spend all my time with Royce while Marvin makes dinner and cleans up the kitchen. Every evening Marvin gives Royce a bath while I fold laundry, pack the diaper bag for tomorrow or straighten up the house. When all of that is done, then I can put my feet in the tub water and hang out during bath time (like I did last night.) Then we have our family time of reading stories and scriptures before it’s time for a bottle and bed (which isn’t always perfect like I described.) But I’m trying. I’m trying to let everything else go and just spend what time I do have with my little one. I have to remember to be patient with myself and remember that I am striving and that is all I can do.
It’s definitely not easy.
That’s for sure.
But now that I’ve share with you my struggles and my ‘what I wish I had known’ moments, I do feel a lot better.
I know that there are those of you out there who know exactly what I’m going through, and seeing your imperfect pictures in your blog posts reminds me that I’m doing just fine. It’s helpful for me and I’m grateful for your honesty in showing that no one is perfect despite what we want to believe!

Thank you for letting me share, and even though this post isn’t exactly spiritual, it has help to ease my spiritual burdens knowing that imperfection = perfection to those who love you!

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